The Art of Letting Go
by Mia-Zeklos
Summary: A year after Magnus and Alec had already parted ways, they meet again. And, as they talk and share everything they have in their life now, the both realise that they still need to give each other a chance.


**Author's notes: I'm not even sure where this came from. It was inspired by one of the posts on firemessagetheshadowhunters on tumblr, but I can't send you the exact link to it, because fanfiction won't let me.**

**By the way, the song used in the story is **_**Give Me Love**_** by **_**Ed Sheeran**_**.**

**Anyway. I'm not sure if this is any good at all, or if it's going to be continued, so I'd really like some feedback from you guys.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_Paint splattered tear drops on my shirt_

_Told you I'd let them go_

_And that I'll fight my corner_

_Maybe tonight I'll call you_

_After my blood turns into alcohol_

"Alec, wait!" The boy in question let out a small sight, slowly looking back at the Institute.

"What is it?"

His boyfriend hurried down the stairs, smiling at him. "Izzy told me that you're going out." He didn't say anything else, but Alec knew that he just wanted to say bye – something that Alec himself had forgotten to do. For the nth time since he was in this relationship, the Shadowhunter felt as if he'd kicked a puppy.

"Uh, yeah. Just going to see a friend. I should be back in a few hours."

He didn't know what annoyed him so much about Xavier following him around. He was basically flawless, according to everyone around them. He was nineteen, coming from a good Shadowhunter family (the Midwinters were one of the most respected people in the Shadow world, as Maryse restlessly assured him). Handsome and nice. Patient enough to put up with Alec and his strange mood every once in a while. Loving and gentle, and always there for him. Alec's parents adored him – even Robert smiled when he was around. Isabelle had unceremoniously informed him that Xavier was way too good for him.

And yet, when Xavier murmured "See you later" and kissed him, Alec could barely bring himself to kiss him back.

Because, as much as he tried to bring himself to love his boyfriend, when he closed his eyes, the face he saw wasn't pale and kind, with light blue eyes, surrounded by blond, slightly messy hair. It was always honey-skinned, with unruly dark hair all around it and a pair of piercing green-gold eyes.

Alec broke the kiss, desperately trying to think of something, _anything, _else.

_Note to self: I'm an asshole and I don't deserve anyone even half as nice as Xavier_, he thought angrily as he carefully untangled himself from his boyfriend's arms.

"See you later." He said.

"Call us if you're going to be late." Xavier shouted behind him. "Your mom gets worried."

Alec tried to ignore the annoyance that slowly raised its head inside him. He was _nineteen_, for Angel's sake; he could go wherever he wanted with whoever he wanted.

"Okay." He replied, not sure what the chances of being late were. His meeting with 'an old friend' – as Magnus had stated in the message – was either going to be the best thing in his life lately, or a complete disaster.

He had yet to find out.

_**o.O.o**_

Long ago, when they were still about twelve, Jace had taught him something – if you repeat a word enough times, it eventually loses its meaning. A year ago, Alec's word was _whiskey_ – he had gotten accustomed to repeating it again and again until it didn't matter that he was drunk anymore. Then, when he was already too far gone to remember his last word, he was starting to repeat _pain_, until it faded away.

Not that it ever truly faded. Every night, the guilt and the pain and the anger came back to haunt him again.

Now, as he kept walking to the place where Magnus wanted to meet him, his word was _friend_.

_Give me love like never before_

'_Cause lately I've been craving more_

_And it's been a while but I still feel the same_

_Maybe I should let you go_

_You know I'll fight my corner_

_And that tonight I'll call you_

_After my blood is drowning in alcohol_

_No, I just wanna hold you_

Despite all his worries about that meeting, Alec found himself a bit relieved to have a conversation with Magnus. He had forgotten what it felt like to talk to someone that could see straight through him He didn't need to pretend, didn't need to lie.

_But you lied to him anyway_, a treacherous part of his mind whispered, and Alec flinched.

As he drank his coffee – he couldn't help but notice that when they ordered, the Warlock had said in perfect detail everything that Alec liked it – and listened to Magnus talk about some annoying client he had had yesterday, he realised that neither of them was actually happy. Not that they talked a lot about their personal lives, but each of them said something insignificant every once in a while – little bits and parts of themselves that they dared to share.

From what Alec understood, Magnus wasn't involved with anyone in the moment. He still threw those parties of his, though, and the Shadowhunter was pretty sure that he had been spared the details of more one night stands that he wanted to think about.

He felt rather pathetic. There were about a billion reasons due to which Magnus could be unsatisfied, and only two of them or so involved Alec. Unlike Alec himself, he had left it all behind. He was mature enough to call the Shadowhunter his friend, despite everything that had happened between them.

That was a relaxing thought, but in the green-gold eyes, it was obvious that Magnus could see through every mask he had tried to put on. He could see things that Alec was too ashamed to admit to himself – that he was as not over the Warlock as he could be; that the nights of staying alone in his room and staring blankly at the ceiling for hours were not as left behind as he had hoped.

Not that any of these thing actually mattered. Or so it seemed, because when Magnus asked him to come over his place for a while, Alec knew that he was supposed to go home and stay away from the sweet torture that the Warlock's presence offered him

But instead, he said 'yes'.

_**o.O.o**_

Magnus stared at Alec pretty intently all through the day. He watched the emotions change all the time in those familiar blue eyes; from happiness through anger and sadness and hope and all the way to the point where he just looked down at his feet and started giving him one word answers.

It terribly reminded the Warlock of the time about an year ago. It had happened just like that.

At first, Alec had been happy. So very happy. Every morning when they woke up during their trip around the world, Magnus could see his smile on the first rays of the sun.

Then, when they had gotten back in New York, the happiness had faded all at once. Alec had closed off again, just like in the first days of their relationship. When they were still on said trip, he was delighted to hear anything Magnus was willing to share from his past – especially when they talked about the places they visited and what those places looked like a century ago or so. They could sometimes keep it up for hours.

And then something had changed. Ever since he had met Camille, Alec had grew more distant somehow. It got harder for the Warlock to reach him now, and every time his past was brought up, Alec's eyes darkened with pain and anger, directed to nothing and nobody in particular – because, more than anything, the Shadowhunter had felt helpless to change things.

After that, they had foolishly hoped that it would all change somehow, and when it did not, Alec had closed off completely. He started talking less, sharing less of himself, until the whole thing had led to them both having their hearts broken.

"Magnus?" Alec croaked sleepily from his place at the couch and pulled him out of his thoughts. The Warlock sighed. Maybe offering Alec a glass of wine – especially considering the whole situation wasn't the greatest idea. He had learned very early in their relationship that Alec was an honest drunk, and he wasn't sure he was prepared to hear any painful truths said Shadowhunter could bring up right now.

"Yeah?"

"You know that I love you, right?"

Magnus froze. The way Alec said it wasn't dramatic in any way; he said it rather off-handedly, completely sure of his words.

But that still wasn't the most important thing about it. He couldn't recall Alec ever saying that.

_I love you. _It was often implied, but the Shadowhunter had never said those exact words.

"Alec…"

"I know you've probably gotten someone way better by now." He continued. "I'm just a friend. I get it. It's okay. I… well, I finally got the guts to say it." There was a moment of silence in which Magnus couldn't unfreeze, and Alec seemed to gather his courage. The boy took a deep, shaky breath. "I tried, you know. I tried being happy with someone else. I did my best to love Xavier, to look at him and see myself in his eyes and all that stuff you read bout in books." He sighed. "But I couldn't." Blue eyes – that were surprisingly clear despite his current not very sober state – locked with Magnus's. "I love you, Magnus. I'll probably never love anyone else the same way."

The Warlock was used to declarations like this one; it was often late at night when the despair, the alcohol, or both had gotten too much and whoever he was with had gotten enough of everything. It had happened way too often, in different centuries and with different people, men and women. One would think that the more time passed, the easier it got. But it didn't. Actually, as much as he tried to convince himself otherwise, every time this happened, it only got worse. It had felt like a stab wound the first time, and every next person who was telling him something like that was unwillingly making the wound deeper and deeper.

Magnus didn't know what he was supposed to say – which didn't happen to him very often – and surprised them both when he spoke and his words were filled with anger.

"You _can't_ say things like that, Alec!"

The Shadowhunter's eyes widened.

"I just wanted to–"

"Do you think it's easy for me?" Magnus couldn't hold back anymore; a year of silence and a day of pretending to be just friends were now slipping out of his mind and his control. "How do you think I felt when Camille wrote me about everything you've done? And you never uttered a word about it to me… You could have shortened my life and never even _mention_ it before I start growing older…"

Alec stood up, surprisingly steady on his feet.

"Do you really believe that?" His voice was quiet. "I would have never been able to live with myself if I had actually done that. I wouldn't have been able to look you in the eyes if I've done that to you – even if you didn't know that it was me. And, most important, I would have never done this to you simply because I love you."

Ringing silence fell in the room around them.

Magnus was stunned. He was pretty sure he had never heard Alec speak so many words in one time. Well, maybe a few times, but it had always been like that – in times when they fought. Before he could react, however, Alec started talking again, even quieter this time.

"The first time Camille offered me to do something for our… situation was when she was captured by Lilith. She wanted to make a deal and promised me that, once I set her free, she would be able to help me. I thought that she knew a way to make me immortal without using dark magic or turning me into a vampire."

Magnus didn't say anything. It was the first time he heard the Shadowhunter talk about this and he didn't want to interrupt him. After all, he had never actually given him a chance before, he thought almost guiltily.

"Later I met her again." Alec's soft voice could be heard once again. "It was right after that idiotic fight we had – you know, about the scarf and the snuff box?" The Warlock nodded hastily. "When I walked out of the appartment, that guy stood right outside the door and gave me a note from her. I went to the place where she was hiding by that time. We fought and then she told me that there was no way to make me immortal; not in a way I found appropriate, at least. But, she said, she knew a spell that could take your immortality away.

I thought about it, you know. I met Camille to get more information about it. She wanted me to kill Raphael Santiago; only then she would tell me about the spell. Needless to say, I didn't want to do it, least of all because I would break the law.

It took me about an hour to realise that I wasn't there for that, anyway. I kept meeting her because I wanted to hear more about you. Once she told me that in every relationship, people were supposed to keep some things to themselves. I didn't want to learn everything, though. Only a few things. Things that would help me understand you better; understand better those strange emotions I could see written on your face sometimes. I wanted to know why you were so inexplicably sad or angry when there was no real explanation for it. Why certain things and places made you laugh and others made you close completely to the world around you." Alec stopped for a moment, as if he wanted to take a breath, and then started talking faster, his words almost melting into one.

"And Camille knew so much more about those things than me, Magnus, that I kept meeting her just for that. I eventually told her that I won't kill Raphael, but at first… I couldn't help it. She was the only person I knew who had been in the same position as me – to love you and be loved by you in return." His voice died. "That's all I wanted. Then you nearly died and I despised myself for even _thinking_ about it; for even considering to take your immortality away… But I still wanted to meet her. For one last time, you know. I wanted to tell her that I had given up the whole deal for sure. And maybe ask one last question or two. That was all. But… well, you know what happened then. Instead of Camille, I found you. You never gave me the chance and I never found the words, or the will, to say it. Until now."

Alec's eyes locked with his once again and this time Magnus couldn't help but smile – a true, sincere smile, the first one in a while. The Shadowhunter gave him an incredulous look.

"I just revealed my heart and soul you you, and you're laughing at me?" he didn't sound all that mad, though. Maybe just a little. Magnus shook his head.

"I'm not laughing at you. I'm just… relieved. I suppose."

Alec's eyes lit up with hope.

"Does that mean you've forgiven me?" his voice was heartbreaking.

"I think I have. Not because of what you just said." The Warlock hurried to add. "I wouldn't have wanted to meet you today if I hadn't forgiven you. It's because I've missed you, and I'm now finding out that not everything is exactly how I pictured it to be. And mostly because I love you."

"You love me?" Alec approached him slowly, as if he wasn't even aware of his own actions. Magnus could see every emotion in his eyes, just like he was used to, and the doubt that filled them didn't really help him feel better about the whole situation.

If it were for anyone else, the Warlock would have been sure that Alec was trying to make it look like it was all his fault. But this was Alec – the Alec he had fallen in love with, the boy without a single lie on his face. He chose to think that the last month or so in their relationship had been a hard time for Alec in every aspect there was. Not that it mattered anymore. Magnus couldn't be more certain that the boy staring at him in expectation and disbelief was _his_ Alec.

Someone had told him once that people forget what you've said or what you've done to them, but they never forget how you've made them feel. It was true that the last time he had seen Alec, the Shadowhunter had made him feel betrayed, stupid and naïve for trusting him at all (even though, he had to admit, it had all happened because of mistrust from both sides).

But, in the first place, Alec had made him feel alive again.

"I know warlocks and vampires that are old enough to know nearly everything." He spoke softly, but confidently. For the first time in a long time, he could say exactly what he meant. He had missed the sensation it brought him. "Creatures that are a thousand years old, or even more. I'm barely four hundred–" Alec snorted at that. "No, really! I can't remember how long it's been since I've told my actual age to anybody. Anyway, I was curious and once, I asked one of the oldest warlocks I knew what it felt like. I wondered if it's normal to feel as tired and indifferent towards everything as I felt at that time. He told me that at some point, he had forgotten what it feels like to love and hate. He had forgotten the true meaning of joy, anger, hope, and so on."

"I was terrified." Magnus laughed, even though it wasn't funny at all. "I thought that when I first feel that this is going to happen to me, I'll kill myself, because what would you live for if you can't feel anything anymore?"

"Did it happen?" Alec's voice was soft and yet, the Warlock could sense the fear in it. The Shadowhunter was now sitting next to him. Magnus shook his head.

"Lilith. no. What I was afraid of, though, was that I felt extremely tired. When you've been everywhere and you've seen everything, there's nothing left that can excite or surprise you." He ran his finger down Alec's cheek absent-mindedly and wondered if the Shadowhunter was the only one drunk here. He couldn't recall what exactly and how much of it he had had, but he ws pretty sure that he wouldn't be saying all of that if he was sober. "But you did."

Alec let out something that could be either a laugh or a sound of disbelief. It was probably both.

"Come on, Magnus. I'm the least surprising and exciting person you would ever meet."

"No, you aren't." The fondness in Magnus's voice shocked even himself. "I could never get tired of you. With you, I visited places I've seen multiple times before, and it all seemed so different, because I could see it through your eyes." he locked his eyes with the Nephilim's, determined to say everything he had held back before, just like Alec had done. "Of course I love you. Why are you always so surprised to hear it? I love you with everything I have, and I couldn't make myself stop, even after all that happened. I was hurt, but I still loved you, and it frustrated me to no end."

Instead of saying anything, Alec just stared at him for enough time to make him nervous. Then, without answering, he rose a bit on the couch, his arms wrapping around Magnus and bringing him closer until there was no space left between them.

"Magnus" was all he uttered before closing his eyes and pressing his lips to the Warlock's firmly, tightening his grip around him even more.

Magnus was frozen under his fingers like never before (well, maybe a bit like the time in the Hall of Accords when Alec had kissed him). He had missed everything about that kiss – Alec's scent, the way his hair tickled Magnus's face when the boy leaned in, the way Alec urgently whispered his name like it was the most precious thing in his life. A yet had passed and yet he hadn't been able to forget.

"Alec" he breathed at last, finally giving up to what he wanted; it seemed that he had stopped caring about anything that could happen later, and kissed the Shadowhunter back with everything he had. He got lost in that embrace and reluctantly broke the kiss some time later, already in need of air.

Alec, however, wasn't done with him yet. He kept covering Magnus's face with gentle, tender kisses, until neither of them could keep their eyes open anymore.

He stared sleepily at Magnus, a small, disarmingly honest smile curling his lips.

"What are we going to do now?" he asked.

"Wasn't this the question that screwed us over in the first place?" the Warlock replied, frowning, and they both laughed quietly.

"You're right. It doesn't matter now." Alec sighed blissfully and pressed against Magnus as he closed his eyes. "I love you." He murmured and – almost immediately – fell asleep.

"I love you too, Alec." Magnus whispered, running his fingers through Alec's hair.

He stayed like that for a few minutes with Alec's head in his lap – the boy had subconsciously shifted slightly – before he felt something gently buzzing in the Shadowhunter's pocket. Doing his best not to wake him up, Magnus reached down and took the phone out, blinking irritatedly against the bright light.

The screen showed the name Xavier and a picture of a boy, probably around Alec's age, with light blue eyes and hair with the colour of the wheat.

Xavier. He could recall the name from the conversation he had had with Alec earlier. Xavier Midwinter, Alec's boyfriend. With a sigh he pressed 'Decline' and brought the phone back where it had been.

_What are we going to do now indeed, _Magnus thought dazedly as he let his eyes fall shut as well, not sure if he was glad or frustrated that most likely in the morning, neither of them would remember anything of that.


End file.
